


Drunk on Love (and Alcohol too)

by Glacecakes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drunken Shenanigans, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Keith and Lance get drunk and piss off a Galra, M/M, Sex Jokes, that's it. That's the plot.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 21:17:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20432585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glacecakes/pseuds/Glacecakes
Summary: Dhezek figured it'd be hard to get information out of the Paladins of Voltron. He didn't take into account the fact they were drunk.Very, very drunk.(Also known as Keith and Lance are drunk and in love. And also being held prisoner.)





	Drunk on Love (and Alcohol too)

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea a few weeks ago and the writing Discord I'm in was like "DO IT DO IT DO IT" so. This is for them. Thanks for giving me ideas/motivation! 
> 
> Pretend this takes place, like, between season 3 and 4? Except Keith and Lance got together like they should've in S3 :/ Also they're both of age in this fic, since there is talk of their sex life but nothing explicit happens.
> 
> edit: oops fixed formatting

Dhezek wasn’t patient by any standards. But he liked to think that he could handle the defiance of two Voltron paladins. 

He had led this Galra warship for nearly 6 decaphoebs now. He was able to capture the paladins in the first place! And without the others noticing him, no less. The paladins of Voltron had been at some planet’s banquet, celebrating a victory over weaker Galra (It was probably pure luck that they won, it always was). They had been drinking Nunvill. It was all too easy to convince the two tipsy paladins to join him in another room, where Dhezek had been waiting. Surely Emperor Zarkon would be willing to promote him after delivering the paladins. Maybe he’ll finally get off this floating metal trash can once and for all! 

His internal monologue was cut short by a ping from his tablet. Ah, good; the prisoners were in the most secure prison on the ship. It had a screen that was see-through, and both parties could talk to one another, but the screen had a current running through it, meaning no escape. Foolproof! The paladins would be completely unable to escape, Zarkon would end their miserable lives, and Voltron would be no more. The idea of victory was so sweet Dhezek couldn’t hide the grin as he marched down to the holding cells, his tail swishing with every step.

The two paladins were hunched together, practically on top of each other, huddling close and speaking quietly. They hadn’t noticed his arrival, Dhezek noted. The paladins’ armor had been stripped, leaving them only in black under armour. The shorter one was shaking slightly, grasping the arm of the other in an attempt to stabilize himself. His other hand was gripping the fabric of the taller one’s chest, knuckles white. The taller seemed to be speaking softly to him, a small smile on his face. Perhaps he was attempting to comfort the shorter one? They’ll both be shaking in fear soon, once they knew of their fate, Dhezek figured.

“Greetings, paladins,” He declared, stepping up to the edge of the barrier between him and his prisoners. “I hope you’re comfortable, for this is the last time in your miserable life that you will be pain-free. Unless you comply with my demands, your time with me will be agonizing and miserable. Cooperate, and I will spare you an execution from Lord Zarkon himself, and mercifully snap your neck.”

They didn’t look at him.

Could they not hear him? He could’ve sworn the screen allowed for conversation between the prisoners and guards. 

“Ahem, paladins of Voltron?”

Still nothing. Dhezek peered a bit closer at the paladins. Then he noticed.

The shorter one wasn’t shaking in fear.

He was _ laughing _.

The taller one was repeating everything he said, but in a stupid voice, quietly enough that Dhezek hadn’t noticed at first. The shorter was near tears with laughter, his fist lightly pounding on the chest of his companion. “Shhh, I think he’s onto us!” He wheezed, giddy with laughter.

Oh sweet Haggar, they were still drunk on Nunvill, weren’t they?

“How dare you mock me! You are my prisoners, and I am your jailer. I could end your life in a thousand painful ways. You will treat me with respect!” He growled.

“_You will treat me with respect! _” The taller one parroted back in a nasally pitch. “God, could you be any more cliche? Get a better personality, dweeb.”

What is a _ dweeb _? Whatever it was, it was undoubtedly insulting. Dhezek sighed, pinching his nose between his fingers. He should’ve expected this kind of insanity from prisoners of this caliber, there was no way they’d accept their defeat…. When they were in their right mind. But the paladins were inebriated, which should’ve made them more paranoid, and therefore willing to talk if it meant safety. But of course humans had to react differently than Galra. 

Naturally.

“Hey, hey, Lance,” the shorter one said, slapping the cheeks of the taller one, patting one cheek after another in a rapid pattern. 

“Yes, love?” Lance replied.

“I need to tell you something,” 

“Hey everyone, listen to Keith! You, dweeb, are you listening?”

“Stop calling me that!” 

“Yea whatever dweeb. Keith, what is it?”

‘Keith’ blinked up at Lance, eyes coming in and out of focus. Perhaps he was going to say something of use to Dhezek. His eyes lit up on seeing Lance, grin growing.

“I love youuuu!” He yelled. He tapped the end of Lance’s slender nose, before he paused, and did it again. And again. And again. At this point Keith was tapping Lance’s nose like a broken button. 

“Your nose…. It’s so…. Boopable,” Keith breathed. Lance laughed. 

“Well your cheeks are so squishable!” Lance cheered, Squishing Keith’s cheeks between his hands. He rubbed Keith’s cheeks, forcing his face to rapidly change shape. Dhezek felt like bashing his head against a wall. Maybe he could at least get information from them? Deep breaths, you can do this. 

“So… Keith.” He tried. Keith’s head perked up, eyes wide. When his eyes landed on Dhezek, he deflated. 

“Oh, you’re not Lance,” He grumbled. Stretching, he buried his head into Lance’s chest. “Leave me alone, I’m tired.”

“No,” Dhezek deadpanned. “Wake up or I’ll make you wake up.”

“Let me sleep, bitch!” Keith growled. 

So is he a dweeb, or a bitch? What did those even mean anyway?

“But Keithhhh,” Lance whined. “If you sleep I’m gonna miss your ass!”

“Where will my ass go while I’m asleep?” Keith asked. Probably the first sensible thing he said all night, Dhezek noted.

“It’ll go with you! To sleep! It’s not as fun when you’re asleep, because you make the cutest face when I touch your-”

“ENOUGH!” Dhezek roared. “I will not let this buffoonery go on any longer! You will tell me all I want to know and then you will be given over to Zarkon to die a slow and painful death, much to my delight!” 

Lance and Keith froze, and stared at him.

“That’s mad creepy, dude.” Lance said. Keith nodded. “Get a hobby, man. You gotta chill, relax. Smoke some weed, go to a beach, quizás mama una pija-”

“Babe, starlight,” Keith gasped. “You’re speaking spanish!” 

“Oh sorry hun, I can stop?”

“Nonono, don’t! It’s super hot and I wanna have sex but I’m too tired and that makes me sad.”

“That _ is _ sad.” Lance nodded. 

“No one is having sex in this room!” Dhezek yelled. Please, for the love of god, let that have translated wrong. _ Please _ do not continue. 

“Oh, I forgot you’re here,” Lance laid his head on top of Keith’s. “Why _ are _ you still here?”

“I want information!” Dhezek boomed. He slammed his fist into the screen, only to immediately regret it as a large jolt of electricity ran through him. He thought the screen’s electric current only ran on the far side! Cursing, Dhezek clutched his wrist. Meanwhile, Keith had switched to resting his head on Lance’s shoulder, face completely serene. He snuggled into Lance’s chest, practically sitting on his lap. Lance had spread his legs out, crossing them at the ankles in a way that allowed Keith to sit between his legs. He looked like Keith had hung up the stars in the sky, and, judging by the look Keith was giving back, he would if it would make Lance happy.

And then Lance looked up. And started screaming like someone had stabbed him. 

“What-what is _ that _!?” Lance shrieked, pointing up at something behind Dhezek. He pulled Keith into a crushing grip. 

Dhezek turned around. Aside from a few sentries and general ship machinery, there wasn’t anything of note in the room. “What is what?”

Lance smushed Keith’s face into his chest. The latter tried to voice a complaint, but all that came out was a string of muffled gibberish. “The thing behind you! On the table! It’s that black thing!” 

Dhezek furrowed his brow. He turned back to Lance. “The laser pointer?” He had no clue why it was even on the table beside him. One of the technicians must have left it behind when testing the electric field.

“_The knife light _.” Lance was actively tearing up. 

This was ridiculous, Dhezek thought. He was renowned throughout this quadrant for his ruthlessness, his fearsome demeanor! Everyone within 10 light years knew and _ trembled _ at the mere mention of his wrath! 

And yet, the paladins of Voltron were more afraid of a _ toy _.

Well, desperate times called for desperate measures.

He flicked the pointer on. The bright red light bounced off the metallic table and reflected onto the floor. Lance shrieked, letting go of Keith and scrambling back, until his back was against the wall.

“Keith, Keith it’s gonna _ eat me _!” He cried. 

Keith huffed. “It’s not gonna eat you, dumbass! It’s just cut you in half.” He paused. “I think. Hey, bitch. What does that thing do anyway?”

Dhezek paused. “....It’ll cut you in half.” He offered. At this, Keith puffed up in pride. “Ha! I was right!” He crowed. 

“Now, you will answer my questions.” Dhezek growled. He approached the barrier, tail swishing angrily. He was done with playing their mind games. He was going to get _ answers _ , no matter what it took. “You will tell me what I want to know, and then you will _ die _. Whether or not you die slowly is entirely dependant on what you tell me.”

Lance tilted his head in confusion. “So what do I tell you? Do I _ want _ to die slowly, or...?”

“No!” Dhezek sputtered. “You’re going to answer my questions and I will show you mercy. How hard is that!?” 

“Can we get a nap first?” Keith groaned. 

“No!” 

Lance snapped up, scooting back on his butt to where Keith was sitting. “Hey! Let him sleep if he’s tired! Also, why are you pointing a laser pointer at me?”

Dhezek frowned. “You’re… not scared anymore.”

“I was never scared, you dumb hoe. When was I scared of a laser pointer?”

“Just now.” Dhezek groaned, lowering his head in defeat. It was no use. He’d have to wait until the paladins sobered up. He buried his face into his hands.And now he was a hoe too? 

“Why are you so obsessed with me?” Keith muttered, patting the pec of Lance. His fingers then focused poking Lance all over his abdomen.

“I need to bring you to Zarkon so that I can get off this stupid ship and do something productive to the universe! I just... want to have a purpose in my life,” Dhezek sighed, sitting down with his legs crossed in front of him, and tilted his head up. “Victory or Death is a common Galra phrase. If I don’t succeed in making a name for myself in the Galra Empire, what’s the point?”

“That’s a dumb question.” Lance muttered, swatting Keith’s hands away. “There’s more to me than just my rugged body, you know.”

Dhezek wrinkled his nose in disgust. “A poor choice of a metaphor. But… you make a good point.”

Lance poked Keith’s stomach. “How do you think I feel about you attacking me like that?”

Dhezek paused. “I… never thought about that. But what am I supposed to do with my life if it’s not supporting the Galra Empire?” Dhezek sighed, laying down on the floor. Should he simply turn himself in for retraining? He _ had _ been feeling off his game lately.

“The Blade of Marmora gave me rock hard pecs.” Keith spread his arms out, as if to challenge Lance to hurt him. 

“The Blade of Marmora… a Galra rebel group! Of course! I don’t need to remain with the Empire if I want to feel strong! I can have a purpose… A purpose beyond meaningless busywork in a useless solar system. I would be out on the field, risking my life!” Dhezek shot up, sporting a confident pose. 

“Thank you, paladins. You helped me realize something that I was in denial about for a while now.” Dhezek stood up. “I feel much better now. It seems sometimes you just need someone to listen and advise you.”

He turned to the paladins, who were angrily poking at each other. They froze when they realized Dhezek was addressing them. 

“Yeah, no problem, totally.” Lance breathed.

Keith yawned. “So… Can I sleep now?”

-

If you had to ask Keith what his favorite thing to do with his boyfriend was, the answer would be obvious: there was nothing better than waking up beside Lance. He loved to wake up early, and spend a good 10 minutes just admiring how breathtaking Lance was, from the light dusting of freckles, to his naturally curly hair that re-emerged every morning. It was a bummer Lance straightened his hair, but also good for Keith’s sanity; if he had to deal with seeing curly-haired Lance all day no work would get done. Plus, Keith felt lucky to be the only one on the castleship who had the privilege of seeing Lance like this. Plus, he got to wake Lance up with morning kisses.

But today, Keith didn’t have time to sit and admire Lance, because today he was hungover as all hell. 

His head was pounding like crazy! What even happened? The last thing he remembered was he and Lance really liking the drinks offered, and going back for more...

Someone knocked on their door repeatedly and angrily. Grumbling, Keith stumbled out of bed to open the door. He then came face to face with a very amused Allura and a not-so-amused Hunk. Lance called out a greeting from where he was spread out on the bed, laying on his stomach. It sounded more like a dying dog than any real language.

“Uh… hi?” Keith mumbled, scratching the back of his neck.

Hunk’s shoulders visibly sagged. “Oh thank god you guys are alive. We weren’t sure if you guys were just asleep or dead last night.” He let out a large breath he had been holding. 

“I told you they were fine!” Allura cheered. “Dhezek informed us that he didn’t kill them, in fact he was very grateful for what you did for him last night. Dropped you off, explained that he wished to defect from the Empire, and gave us a lot of intel! Rest up, Keith, Lance. You two earned it after last night.”

“...Who?” Keith asked.

**Author's Note:**

> TBH I had no idea how to end this lmao. Please leave a comment/Kudos! It's been a hot minute since I've posted anything on AO3 but I've been writing OC stuff on my tumblr @Glacecakes if you want to check me out there!


End file.
